Jan 23, 2016

The Most Depressing Jubilee of All...

Is it just me or was this week super uncomfortable? 
Between the crying, talk of friends and family dying, it made me long for the days of Juan Pablo telling us "S'ok." 

JK he was the worst. 

No one even saw the sob fest coming because it started like every other Bachelor episode: 
Talking shit about Olivia. 
According to Mom-anda and Jojo, Olivia was claiming that she spent $40,000 on clothes for her venture to the show. 
I don't know who else besides Beyonce has that kind of money. 
Where do you even go to buy that many items of clothing? 
Costco? 
Also that's a lot of garments to stuff into 3 suitcases. 

Then Chris Harrison comes in and mentions the heaviness in the room. 
Essentially he says, "It's heavy in here. Sucks right? Only gets worse. Lauren B you have date. Everyone else, your day is boring. Later losers. Harrison out."

"I care about this much how you feel...except not really even that much."
When Lauren B's name was announced Olivia smiled but you could see in her eyes that she was debating whether she should unhinge her jaw and swallow LB whole like an anaconda. 

"I'll kill her right now."-Olivia

As they drove up to the date Lauren B realized they were going to an airport. 
For someone who is a flight attendant she seemed a little freaked out about being near a plane. 
I don't know if she thought she would have to work or what, but she was not feelin' it. 
"Great date...can't wait to walk up and down this damn aisle with a trash bag. How old are you Ben? Because if you not 15 you can't sit in an exit row." 

Once Ben assured her that she wasn't in fact in charge of blankets and peanuts, they hopped into a small death machine plane to do "tricks." 

Hard pass.

The whole time they were up in the air they tried to kiss and their microphones kept getting in the way. 
I lol'd so much.

They flew over the mansion
 and all the women came out with missiles their booze to watch.
Olivia couldn't handle the fact that Ben was potentially with Lauren B. having feelings.
Sorry girl...it was happening. 

After you fly for an hour in a stunt plane what's the logical next thing to do on your date?
If you guessed sit in a hot tub in the middle of nowhere and make out you would be RIGHT! 
Congratulations. You are truly a Bachelor Nation expert. 
I'm proud to know you. 

I don't know if the hot tub from the Ride Along date was a good price or it's an addition to the usual helicopter/private concert.

They made out for awhile and talked about their dads. 
Ben loves his parents and it's the most precious. 
Lauren B told him she wanted to meet his family and freaked out. 
She didn't want to be too forward.
To be clear, "I would love to meet your family" is not "I'm going to be your only family," which is what would happen if he married Olivia.
Kinda like Debbie did to Uncle Fester in "Addams Family Values."

Ben is the worst at concealing surprises. 
He's always like, "Come with meeeeeheheheehe." 
So naturally when he guided Lauren to their next location and,
Lucy Angel, everyone's favorite (???), was there, we were 0% surprised. 

Ben in real life. 

The group date was next and all but 4 ladies had their names on the card.
There was a pun about soccer and all of a sudden I started having Juan Pab flashbacks.
I know I said earlier that I missed him, but I don't.
I really don't.

 The Women's Soccer champs were there to show them what was up.
Everyone was pretty terrible but uber competitive.
Especially when Chris Harrison came out to tell them that the losing team would be going home with no extra time with Ben.
Eat your heart out Juan Pablo

Both twins were on the date but on separate teams. 
They declared a twin off. 
One seemed a little more cool with murdering the other one if necessary. 

Ben was as usual adorable running up and down the field. 
He was like a pumped up Dad cheering for everyone. 
When one of the girls on the other team got hurt, Olivia surprised me. 
She said that she hoped she was ok and wanted her to get back up.
Could my ears be deceiving me? 
Was that something nice?
Then she said, "Once she gets up and plays hurt I'm going to exploit it."
There it is.

Amber scored the winning goal and off they went to the after party. 
Olivia, a member of the winning team, didn't let been finish his sentence before she asked if she could steal him. 
Then from the stairwell she waved down to the women. 
1. That dress does not look like a $40 let alone $40,000. 
2. She's a crazy person. 
Down at the party the women start to comment on Olivia's bad toes. 
Because everyone knows what they say about girls with bad toes. 
They're heinous buttholes.

When confronted by the women for being so aggressive she claimed that she wasn't just going to sit around and drink water. 
We know that's not water. 
The rest kind of went like this: 
"Am I aggressive? Yes. Do I have bad toes? Yes. I'm as complicated as the next person. I'm complex."

Amber ended up getting the rose for the date.

Olivia said it didn't matter because when Ben got up he pushed off her leg. 
That was totally a sign that he wanted her to know he cared for her. 

He put his hand up on my hip. When I dip he dips we dip.
Basically like how "The Notebook" started. 

If I thought there was a message in hot dude who brushed by me, I would be in several committed relationships. 
........I'm rethinking everything....

Back at the mansion Jubliee, Jojo, Becca, and Chick flick wait to see who's name is on the date card. 
Jubliee spent most of the week pouting because she's more complicated than the other women and in no way going to get the date card. 

It is a personal pet peeve when people claim that they are complicated. 
Everyone has a past, some much rougher and more terrible than others, but please...hush your beak. 
This has been a Jones Public Service Announcement.
Although she was sulking a lot what I respect about Jubilee is that she's not afraid to do an interview in zit cream. 
Go girl.
Be you. 

Much to her surprise Jubilee DID get the date card. 

The day of the date Jubliee is awkward AF. 
He shows up late. 
She points it out. 
Not to be mean...just to joke but the girls don't speak sarcasm and haven't seen any teen angst movies so they don't get it. 

All of a sudden they hear a helicopter overhead and everyone but Jubliee is well...

jubilant. 

As they walk outside our old friend, the helicopter, lands in the driveway. 
Sup y'all, I'm back.

Jubliee who is terrified of heights asks if anyone else wants to go on the date. 
Everyone raises their hands and is offended that she is not appreciative. 
Clearly she doesn't have comedic timing but is not the monster they all claim. 

The ride in the helicopter is one of the longest and as the continued to fly I was curious if they were actually going to Jurassic Park...



Instead it was a spa in the hills. 
They tried caviar. 
It was gross. 
Jubilee said she was obsessed hot dogs. 
Everyone it wasn't a euphamism for something else. 
She called Ben, "white boy," he laughed, she explained what she meant by it for 10 mins. 
She tells him he's always stressed and needs to relax which is confusing because he seems pretty chill at all times. 
Ben said he likes her because she makes him blush. 
I have never heard a man say that before, probably because it's not 1954, but he continues on his precious campaign and I'm all about it. 

Jubs is just awkward which is uncomfortable to watch. 
I get second hand anxiety when watching tv, as most normal folks do, and it only increased when she mentioned that her whole family died. 
That's so terrible and hard to navigate during a conversation. 
Ben told her how strong she was and it was very sweet. 
Although she is uncomfortable to watch, she's not a bitch. 
So it's confusing to see how much the women don't like her, and how they react when she comes home from the date.  

During the cocktail party, Ben announces to the ladies that his close family friends died in an airplane crash.
He was upset but happy to be with the women. 
A tense episode just got a little more uncomfy. 

Olivia, always #1, asked to speak to Ben. 
Here was her chance to really reach out to Ben and give him the support he needed. 
Instead she said, 
"People have written blogs about my cankles." 
She then began to tear up, and say, "I try to be strong all the time...but....my cankles." 

I know that they edit A LOT on this show but I can't imagine a scenario where they cook up something so random.
Even Ben was like, "I'm.....sorry?"

Later,
Jubliee pulled him aside even though she had a rose. She "set up" a massage table for Ben and rubbed him down for awhile. 
It was weird, yes. 
Unfathomable, no.

The women, including Amber (who also had a rose), lost their minds as they shoved food in their faces, in the kitchen for their weekly eating session.

Amber decides that it's time to confront Jubilee as she lays outside by herself. 
(Ok...odd...but no one is nice to her so snuggle away gf.)

Here's the convo:
Amber: We need to talk.
Jubilee: No. 
Amber: Yes. C'mon. We just want to talk to you. 
Jubilee: No. 
Amber : Fine. We'll come to you. 
Jubilee: Nah.

As Jubilee ran upstairs from the ladies and their pitch forks, Amber followed her and literally said literally 40 times. 
According to Amber, it literally offended people and literally hurt them, when Jubilee said she didn't want to go on her date. 
Ben, who makes his way upstairs to check on Jubs, shut Amber down and said that Jubliee is fine and doesn't need to worry about what's being said. 

Amber is officially the worst. 
She's a pot stirrer and annoying. 
And I'm pretty sure Ben saw her behavior for what it was. 
Hopefully she'll be regulated to "Bachelor in Paradise" forever. 

Before the rose ceremony, Lace began to break down. 
Not in a "I swear I'm not crazy way," but in a "I need to love myself better first" way. 
She told Ben she hoped to find someone like him in the future but that she had to go and work on herself. 
I cried out, "DON'T LEAVE US LACE!"
But it was too late....she was gone. 

The rose ceremony was like any other, but the first time Olivia had to go through one without a rose. 
Naturally she was confident she was safe, but as the roses dwindled she kept saying things like, 
"He's saving the best for last." 
And he saved her for last alright...probably to see how sturdy her cankles actually were. 

Hopefully next week, we're back to light hearted Mean Girl behavior, and Olivia's weird declarations of love. 
What did you think? 
Was it as cringeworthy to you as it was to me? 
Who are YOUR favorites so far? 
(You know mine: Becca Tilley for President)



17 comments:

  1. Agree with everything you said about Jubs.

    My impression of Olivia (besides that I hate her) is that I think she thinks that she and Ben can have a Kaitlyn and Shawn thing going on? Like Ben has already picked her and OF COURSE WE WOULD JUST GO OFF RANDOMLY ALL THE TIME type of thing? I think she actually believes that? I don't know. Super wacko and I don't like her.

    Amber needs to go.

    Love the flight attendant and Jojo. Those two are my faves.

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  2. Your recaps have driven me to ACTUALLY watch the show so I can truly understand what's going on. I want to take Olivia and drown her and her nonexistent cankles in earwax.

    Also. Team Becca rules.

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  3. Thank you for making me LOL. Your recaps are golden and I look forward to them every week. Becca for prez.

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  4. When people call Jubilee "Jubes" it sounds so much like....well. You know. Not great, Bob. Olivia is on another level of WTF and Lauren B for pres. Love your recaps!

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  5. I finally started watching The Bachelor thanks for your brilliant recaps. I saw several girls I'm pretty sure had never been on the show before this week - I'm looking at you Rachel and Jennifer. (Where did they come from, seriously?) I loved Jubilee after her date. She seems like the first contestant in history to not play any games and just be herself. Interested to see if that keeps up. Olivia is definitely crazy. Obviously the editing is pushing it, but she is doing a lot on her own...talking about her (lack of) cankles rather than comforting Ben?! She has no self awareness...

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