Swimming with the .....Pigs?

I think it's safe to say I struggle with time management. 
Here we are on Monday ...and I'm giving you the recap from LAST Monday. 
I'm ashamed. 
But fear not, I won't just be snapping recaps, I'll still be typing them. 
Scouts honor. 

Last week was kind of a doozy...

We left last week with Ben pulling Olivia out of the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. 
As everyone speculated whether or not she was going to be sent home, Ben asked her what was going on.... 

Olivia claimed that she was being targeted by the women, because of her aggressiveness with Ben. 
She said it was hard for her to relate to them because they all liked to paint their nails, and do each other's hair and eat glue and use their fingers to count, but she was different.
Olivia likes to read books y'all.
She also likes thinking in her room. 
That's what she does. 
But most importantly she wants to talk smart....things. 
Because above all else she is: 

For some reason Ben thought, "that all makes sense, come on back."
So she did and everyone essentially pooped their pants. 
Emily, or as I've started calling her, Angry Taylor Swift, cursed like she pulled out a tray of bagel bites without an oven mitt. 
(I know what that sounds like because I've done it...twice.) 

Olivia, in her best, "I'm dead behind the eyes" impression said: 

Jen (?) in the end left. 
We barely knew you girl...see you in Paradise. 

They fly to the Bahamas and boy are their arms tired and marvel at their hotel. 
Chris Harrison shows up and tells them that this week there will be a 1:1, group date, and the dreaded 2:1. Then he says, "I hope to see most of you at the rose ceremony." 
Harrison give less than zero f's this season. 
And I love it.

Chick Flick Caila gets a second 1:1 date and Leah starts to lose it. 
She's the only one who hasn't had 1:1 time with Ben, and Caila is giving that time to someone he already spent time with. 
However, Ben tells us that Kevin Hart and Ice Cube prevented him from really getting to know her and he wanted to make sure that she wasn't just a smiley person. 
He wanted to know her demons everyone. 

The rest of the date is like this: 

Best time ever:

Crying in the bathroom about how they could have met a bar because they live 10 mins away from each other but fate* brought them to the Bachelor. 

Caila's date takes a bit of a drunken(?) turn when she tells Ben she feels like she loves him but doesn't know if she can be vulnerable with him...or if she's going to break his heart...but she's happy.

He eventually tells her that he's happy to be confused with her and gives her the rose. 
Because why not? 

When I tell you this next date is probably my favorite thing that has ever happened on the show I mean it with 100% of my heart. 

Leah, Becca, Jojo, the Lauren's, and Amanda get on a boat and head to Ben's private island. 
From a far they see something swimming in the water...what could it be? 

Ben tells them that they're all going to be swimming together and feeding the pigs hot dogs. 
Some women were worried that they would be cannibals, but Ben assured them they were chicken, and everyone grabbed the bucket and dove in. 

(Side note: there was a bucket of hot dogs on the boat the entire ride. Either the women didn't notice...it didn't care...or a producer had do come in on a side boat with the bucket and give it to Ben with no explanation. TV is a wild place.)

These pigs were AGGRESSIVE. 
Like it was essentially Jaws....but with pigs. 
This one ate Jojo. 

After everything calmed down, the women started to realize Ben and Lauren B's coziness. 
The women took to cradling baby pigs to hide their displeasure. 

The women were really thrown off by the 1:1 nature Lauren B and Ben's date started to take, and after awhile Ben started to notice. 
He pulled Jojo (back from the dead) aside and asked her what was going on. 
(Side note: is anyone reminded of the Santa Clause "popo gigio" moment whenever Ben says Jojo's name?....Just me?)
He asks her what's going on and she's like "
yo...it's real weird when you're making sure Lauren B doesn't get eaten but I'm over here trying not to get drowned by that pig...."

"Hey Jojo..."
Ben seems to understand and tells her it's hard to figure out the balance. 
He kinda talks to Jojo like she's his bff, so although I love her, I feel like she's about to get friend zoned here soon. 

Later that night a storm (hurricane?) blows in 
and the women all sit around talking about how awkward the day was. 

It gets super uncomfortable really fast (again) when Ben asks to spend time with Leah.
Instead of her using her time to talk about her and Ben she brings up arguably one of the nicest contestants ever, Lauren B, and says that she's not who Ben thinks she is.

Leah believes that throwing her under the bus will save her from being sent home. 
The ole' Bachelor math is really coming in clutch for her. 

During LB's conversation with Ben, he brings up the statement, and unlike Olivia, sheds real tears and is truly effected by the comment. 
Ben, unsure what to do with tears and an non-cyborg reaction, tells her it doesn't mean he thinks it but just wants her to know it's being said. 

Lauren B joins the group of women again and is distraught. 

Becca looks straight at Leah, a la Ms. Norberry when Cady calls her a drug dealer, and says, 
"Leah...YOU didn't say anything?"
Leah said, "I would never say that." 
Nailed it. 

Lauren B continues to weep the same amount as the pouring rain outside, while Ben gives Amanda the group date rose. 

Later Leah intended to seal the deal, 
and shows up to Ben's room later that night to continue to talk crazy nonsense to Ben. 

Recognizing the signs of a bunny boiler, Ben tells Leah he doesn't see them moving forward and asks her to go home. 
Maybe she'll see him and his girlfriend at a bar back home. 
I'm sure she'll handle it super well. 

The 2:1 date was last, and if I'm being 100, as the kids say, I was hoping he'd leave both of them behind. 
Angry Taylor Swift, is the worst.
Olivia is a robot programmed to kill and tell us the weather on the 8's. 
The producers were obviously ready to get it over with because they took them to the same Pig Island on the windiest day. 
As they settle in, it gets awkward...and fast. 
Ben took Olivia away first where she declared herself at peace with who she was and extremely centered and confident. 
Deep intellectual things were here jam.
In fact all she did was talk about how great she was compared to the other women.
Then she told him...
"I'm in love with you."

He said, 
"Thank you."

Then when he talked to Emily she demanded that he go on her journey of growth with her.
Basically she asked him to chaperone her through life. 

Ben grabbed the rose and took Olivia aside....
Angry Taylor Swift was "pissed" as she sat alone on the beach. 
Ben told Olivia that she appreciated her honesty but he couldn't move forward with her 
does not compute...
They made her stand there and watch Emily and Ben get on a boat and ride away from here while she stayed in that puddle.
 In fact...she's still there on the island...waiting for someone to come get her.

Olivia was clearly playing the game like a champ, but I do believe she was blindsided. I'm sure she expected to come off edited in a way that would make her Bachelorette material but that clearly wasn't the case. 
It'll be great to see what she has to say during the "Women Tell All" episode...and to see where she goes from here. 

The cocktail party was cancelled and in the end Lauren H. was sent back to Wisconsin. 
The rest of the season looks stressful as hell and at this point the only one I can see him picking is Lauren B. 

What about you?
Do you see him with one in particular? 
Clearly Becca is my pic for Bachelorette but who do you think is in the running? 

all images are from abc.com


  1. Angry Taylor Swift. That is exactly what I was thinking but couldn't quite nail it down. Lol!

    Ben seems to love Lauren B and only Lauren B. Which is okay I guess, though she seems a little...boring? Maybe we'll see what Ben sees as the numbers dwindle. ;)

  2. Yes. Just, yes. This episode was totally bananas in the best Bachelory type way. I literally could not handle the pigs, you can't make this stuff up!

  3. One other thing: doesn't Lauren H look eerily similar to Felicity Huffman? I mean, does H stand for Huffman? Are they related?

  4. Becca, Lauren B, and Caila will be the final 3. Caila bails, he picks Becca, says "I've made a huge mistake," and calls Lauren B. Or maybe Olivia. Count it. And one mix tape.

    1. Also, thanks for going back to the written recap. You're a funny writer. Thanks for doing what you do.

  5. again, i love you, i love you, i love you.

  6. YAS! Written recap forever. I read your posts aloud to my husband on Monday nights because we have to wait until Tuesdays to watch The Bach (kids and their dang bedtimes getting in the way of my TV!) and it is so good! We love Becca but it's probably going to be LB. but I feel like Becca had no personality during Chris' season and now she's the coolest--how?

  7. Love reading your words and hilarity! Had to read multiple parts to my husband, which made him bust open with laughter, especially the angry TS with bagel bites! Hahaha!!

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