Jan 3, 2017

Fourth Times A Charm?

Well folks, who thought this day would come? 
The day when Nick Viall returned for the FOURTH time to find love, except this time:
He's in charge. 

Much like all Bachelor's they started off focusing on Nick being a beef cake. 
There aren't a lot of shirtless moments with Nick from seasonS past. 
He was normally bundled or hunched over hiding from Josh and Shawn B. 
But he's here, he's jacked, and he's ready to find love.
via abc.com
There have been a lot of people who said they aren't going to watch this season because Nick is a shifty, mush mouthed, jerk and while I tend to agree...I kinda fell for him during Bachelor in Paradise. 
I'm pretty sure that's what all the girls say before they get murdered in a Lifetime movie, but alas, here I am. 

Being introduced to Nick this season was basically a wash. 
It was more like Chris Harrison showing up, and saying,
"Have you turned on this show at any time in the last 3 years? Then you're good."

I mean his little sister Bella was 8 when we met her and now she's essentially 3 years away from being a contestant on the show. 
Profession: Professional Reality Show Sister
via abc.com
Everyone in Nick's family is just praying they don't have to travel to another "After the Rose" where they leave crying. 
Nick seems pretty sure that it's going to work this time. 
In fact, he's not going to give up until it does. 

We don't negotiate with terrorists Nick. 
After this the jig is up. 
You go on Bumble like the rest of us.

From former Bachelors to the women, they tend to preface how much they didn't like Nick at all, until recently.
Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, and Chris Soules sat around a table talking about how surprised they were that Nick actually turned out to be an OK guy.
via abc.com
If that's not a ringing endorsement, what is? 

Let's review some of the women we met last night:

Attorney Rachel:
She's a hard worker and likes to let loose by vacuuming and dancing. 
This is a girl I can hang with--however, I would like to start a gofundme for her to get a Dyson. 

via abc.com

There's a "nursing student" who loves her cat. 
I put her occupation in quotations because I think that's how it was listed on Amazon when she bought that costume. 
via abc.com
She also asked Nick to "Lady and the Tramp" a cold hot dog. 
I'm setting the DVR for their tv wedding special now. 

The other day I was wondering whatever happened to Gretchen Wilson, and it turns out that she changed her name to Raven and now owns a small business in Hoxie. 
via abc.com

The Mogul: Corrine

Does she make it look like those fountains are at her home in Miami and not at a hotel DJ Khaled rides by on his jet ski? Yes. 
Does she still live at home "running" her parent's multimillion dollar company? Yes.
Does she have a nanny that takes care of her and gives her plain cucumbers as a snack as she pretends to type up contracts instead of angry yelp reviews? Also yes.


I can't say I'd like having a nanny in my late 20's. 
Unless it was this Nanny:

There's the actual neonatal nurse who is a lot like Cinderella. 
via abc.com

Like there's a 99% chance Gus Gus helped her get ready for work. 
via

There was the former wedding date, Elizabeth. 
via abc.com

She met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding and while she originially pleaded the fifth she later confesses to sleeping with Nick. 
She said she never gave him her number because she thought he was just being friendly when he asked for it. 
After watching Nick on BIP she decided to go through the rigorous screening process to meet him, even though she could have hollered at her best friend Jade for his number and not taken a psych eval, but different strokes for different folks. 

When she got out of the limo she wasn't sure if Nick remembered her, which was exciting for her. 
She liked remaining a mystery. 
 If a guy doesn't remember sleeping with you and it's a fun challenge to get him to remember:
Nick...
via
Later Nick questions why she didn't reach out, and while she fumbled a little I don't think she's a total bunny boiler.

There's the mental health counselor who immediately told Nick that her friends think he's a "piece of sh!t." 
Surely she is equally as empathic with her clients. 

Client: My mom and I don't get along
Taylor: Well she did tell me you were a real piece of sh!t, so let's unpack that.

There were the women who made explicit impressions. 
Most specifically the one who said, "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?"
When Nick replied, "No." 
She said, "Me either."

Do you know what a girl wearing a sturdy pair of Hanes Her Way says? 
Knock it off.

Others referenced how sexual Nick was and how they were TOTALLY fine with it. 
Until Corrine stole Nick for a second time and kissed him. 
via abc.com

Nick's reaction was something that you would want to tell the children. 

*Corrine kisses Nick.*
Nick [voice over]: I wasn't ready for that. I hope no one saw it. 

Just like "The Notebook."

The best part of the night was the girl dressed like a shark who thought she was dressed like a dolphin. 

Why was she dressed like Left Shark a dolphin?
Because she's an aspiring dolphin trainer of course.
An aspiring dolphin trainer, dressed like a shark. 
My hope is that in the actual certificate program, they go over in detail the difference between the two.

You can see the headlines now: 
Aspiring Dolphin Trainer Eaten By Shark 
The young woman thought the great white was a dolphin, and couldn't understand why it wouldn't float backwards on its tail while waving its fins. You could hear her asking the shark, "Why are you such a bitey dolphin?" The shark could not be reached for comment.

Even though she didn't know what she was, she committed to that part, and was a true delight to everyone in the house.

Corrine, ever so kind, questioned why she was in the shark costume altogether. She actually said that she wondered if it was because her body wasn't that great. 
Yes Corrine, the only thing that fits her, in all of the land, is that shark costume. 
It's the only thing that could hide her uggo body, since she already wore sweatpants once that week.


Overall, there were a few meltdowns, a lot of red dresses, and a promise for a good amount of crazy. 

My hope is that the women eventually stop talking about Nick like he's their misunderstood prisoner pen pal with a heart of gold. 

He was a jerk, but a jerk on a highly edited reality series. 
I doubt he left women hanging over a lava pit at home, before he came to the mansion. 

I'm open for Nick to find love on this journey. 
My heart is ready. 

What do you think? 

Leave your opinions in the comments! 






24 comments:

  1. This made my entire day. I plan on reading this anytime I'm having a bad day and need a good laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not loving Nick but I am hopeful it might change. Your recaps are better then the show!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think I'm with every one else. Hated him on every show except BIP. But then again he was up against a very unlikable Josh (why did I like him during Andi's season again??) so it was a pretty low bar to jump......Idk, I guess we'll see. At least we'll get some great laughs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Josh, legit, creeps me out. We'll see how scummy he's willing to go...I'm ready for it.

      Delete
  4. Your recaps are the best part of watching the show! I've liked Nick all along--he definitely seemed cocky, but he always seemed so witty and insightful, too. He is also way hotter than he used to be since he first got famous, which is both good and possibly bad--I hope it's not because he's become incredibly shallow and spends to much time working out!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love your recaps so much! I thought it was so funny they did zero introduction for him, they just assume you've been watching the last few years. And I could not stop laughing at your GoFundMe idea for the Dyson!! We had that vacuum she was using in 1996. Can't wait to read your next recap!
    -Kristen
    www.pugsandpearls.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I want to register for a Dyson vacuum, just bc I want a Dyson.

      Delete
  6. This is the funniest thing I've ever read. Why ARE you such a bitey dolphin, she says? hahaha, I hope you keep these up all Bachelor season!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Seriously hilarious!!! I was crying from laughing so hard. Great recap!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. So glad you are back! Best recaps ever!! I watch to read these!!!! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. My husband just came from down stairs to inquire as to why I was laughing so hard. Thanks for making my night!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yassss. You're recaps are a) why I started watching the show with Andi's season and b) why I continue. Found you through Grace Patton!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Nancy! Grace is the actual best!

      Delete