May 25, 2017

Pawse and Smell the Roses...

Y'all. 

Our lives our complete again! 
The Bachelorette is back and it's with Rachel!!!!!
Actual footage of me below:

Last season I had to step away from the last few episodes of Nick's season. 
I had hit my thresh hold, of Ole' Marble Mouth, and did what I almost never do, read the writing on the wall...of Reality Steve. 

I'm not proud of my actions, but I couldn't take Vanessa crying and Nick giving his best "Blue Steel" any longer. 

Plus I had to start stretching and preparing my heart for Rachel's season. 
And arrange everyone's flights for "Bachelor in Paradise." 


But here we are! 
We're with the most lovable Bachelorette, probably ever. 
And while she is the People's Champ, she wasn't too good for a cheesy lawyer montage. 

But after her lawyer pose, and nod to the fake defendant she was off to her new home with her pup! 

I was immediately concerned for Copper.
Hopefully he's ok. 
Rachel, if you need me to dog sit, or like....sign his cast, I will. 
I would sign it "Paws and smell the roses." 
We'd laugh about the pun. 
Me and Copper. 
Not me and Rachel. 

Naturally she had to have a chit chat with her friends and get the best advice. 
Corrine, Raven, AstridWhitney (I put their names together because honestly I have no idea which one is which), Kristina, and the resident love doctor, Jasmine. 
You know the one who recommended a "chokey" to Nick. 
She obviously has a tight grip on what true love is. 

I don't know if these puns are going to stop, y'all so I apologize here and now. 
Raven told her that she was so good at seeing the good in other people and making connections. 
Then everyone started crying. 
It was like in the Babysitter's Club movie when everyone huddled around Kristy and her melted ice cream cake after her dad abandoned her at the fair. 
via
From looking at this picture, you now have, "the brain, the brain, the center of the chain," stuck in your head.

As always, I never really remember the guys names until later but I do have to say I was a little more suspicious and critical of these dudes. 
Rachel is an American treasure. 

She deserves only the best, so whenever a new guy got out of the limo, I was all...

The first guy we met looked like a murderer. 
We find out that he's an only child who lost his mom in high school. 
It's either true or he's luring us in. 
I watch "Catfish" and Lifetime so everyone's a suspect. 
But then he showed his dog, and I thought, 
"I'd risk being murdered to pet that dog." 
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Rubic's Cube guy from Detroit, was not only a gym rat but a good old fashion mama's boy who was as smart as he is strong. 

The kebabs he made with his mom looked very delicious, and while I don't do well in cold winter's, I'd consider Michigan, from those Tim Allen narrated commercials I keep seeing about that great state. 
I hope he STICKS around. 
Get it...because of the kebabs. 

I'm a straight up monster and I don't care who knows it. 

There's the aspiring drummer, who claims that he's super good at sex, and has a lot of testosterone. 
He also seemed to really enjoy harassing a woman while she worked out. 
I have a hard time believing that girls are throwing themselves over a dude with such a severe middle part. 

Diggy, I remember well because he is v attractive. 

There was a lawyer named Josiah, who was very confident that he could not only get a conviction but win Rachel's heart .
His story took a turn quickly, when he talked about finding his dead brother in their back yard, and how it lead him to make poor choices. Later on in life, he was given a second chance and made something of himself. 
It was a touching story but real deep for this show. 
When he introduced himself to Rachel, he said there was "no reasonable doubt" they wouldn't be a good match followed by, "see you later litigator." 

Especially when you have a dude who's catch phrase is "Whaboom." 
Let's just get that whackadoo out of the way now. 

His name is Lucas, and he's essentially the offspring of Uncle Joey and a magician's assistant. 
He has a catch phrase. 
It is "whaboom." 
He shakes his head around a lot. 
It's obnoxious. 
He's terrible. 
There's a solid chance he sent in an application to "America's Got Talent" and accidentally sent it to ABC instead of NBC. 
His brain is shaken quite a bit. 
Just like I hated Lucas on One Tree Hill, I hate Lucas on the Bachelorette. 

My stand out was Bryan. 
Y'all. 
When he started talking to her in Spanish: 

I do not speak Spanish, much to the chagrin of most of my high school teachers and college professors, but I do know if he spoke to me like he spoke to her, I would most certainly give him my social security number. 

There was an Urkel/Stefon Urquell reference. 
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I predict they will marry each other. 

I always forget that guys always reference how they are going to "win" the season. 
I was quickly reminded by DeMario who frequently said he was the #1 seed and was going to win, and how they were all invited to her wedding. 

A man who's profession was "Tickle Monster."

If there was a first bad impression rose, he would have gotten it. 
That's including the Whaboom guy, and the dude that brought a mini doll of himself.


Tickling is the WORST.
No one wants a tickle fight. 
Even actual tickle monsters know they're in a dying profession. 
I wish him only the worst.

As everyone mingled in the house, Lawyer and DeMario competed over who was going to be Rachel's husband and where everyone would sit when they got married. 
They kept calling Rachel their wife. 

Meanwhile, Bryan scooped Rachel away and told him that he was 37 and ready to start a family. 
They seemed to get along really well and thenn
he went in for the kiss, and man...
I hope they would consider a 30 year old flower girl for their wedding. 
Spark City. 

While the guys were all determined to get the first impression rose, none of them compared to Bryan, and he walked away with it. 

While there were others who were interesting, a lot of them looked at the Whaboom guy and thought, "she'll pick me over him."

They were sadly mistaken. 
Whaboom guy is will us next week. 
He's not Corrine. 
He will not win us over. 
We will not like him. 
Apparently he has been causing some wave in the Bachelor Nation, by sliding into Carly Waddell's DM's. Her and Evan were tweeting about it on Monday night. 

There's also some scoop that Josh Murray is best friends with Bryan. 
So if it goes down in flames, I blame Josh. 

Who are your favs? 
Any stand out moments that I missed? 

Let me know below! 

2 comments:

  1. Your recaps are always spot on!! The wahboom guy made me so uncomfortable but the reactions of the other guys toward him was hysterical. I have also NEVER laughed as hard as when the mannequin doll thing was on the screen. (Was he called AJ? I can't remember) Those scenes had me gasping for air!! The french...the slow zooms. It was so great.

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  2. That moment when you find out that the first guy voted off this season was a dude you graduated high school with...so weird! And as always love your recaps!

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