Jan 17, 2018

Bye Bye Bibiana


If you follow me on twitter (@ashleyjonesy), you may have seen my tweet asking, from 1 to a root canal, how terrible Krystal was this week.

I just needed a gauge to see how terrible it was going to be because my reaction to her is what people call, "unnaturally aggressive." 

My friend Maggie said, "several root canals," so I just held onto my butt and hit play on my dvr. 

Chris Harrison, who seems to hate everyone more and more as the weeks go by, stopped in to tell the women that there would be two group dates and only one 1:1. 
He reminded them that not everyone would be on a date, and then said, 
"Later turds," and left do whatever he does all day. 
Probably bullet journal. 

The first date card mentioned something about being in a ring. 
When they showed up to the venue and they showed a wrestling ring, I was here for it. 
This is my wheel house. 
For some of you who may not know, I'm also a wrestling fan. 
I went to Wrestlemania about 4 years ago, and was in fact, Sting, for Halloween in 6th grade:
You can actually see me thinking about how cool I was.
So, needless to say I was pumped. 
Chris, back from practicing his hand lettering skills for future Bachelor wedding invitations, told the women they would be taking part in the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor Wrestling League. 

It was a play on the hit Netflix series GLOW, where they ended up getting two of the original GLOW wrestlers from the 80's. 
These  GLOW ladies...
they have seen some shit, and did not care AT ALL about anyone's feelings. 
They talked trash to the women, and it got kinda uncomfortable. 

ESPECIALLY, when one of them asked Bibiana how she spelled her name, then asked if her mom knew how to spell. 

Let's just say that wasn't met with chuckles and knee slapping. 

The coaches went after Tia next, who left and started crying. 

Bibiana and Tia, talked it over, and decided they were going to kill the match, instead of killing the GLOW stars. 

As the women got ready for their matches, they were told they'd have to have "personas." 
Bibiana was Bridezilla. 


One woman was a lunch lady WITH a large mole. 


via @michcollhttps://twitter.com/michcoll

My persona would have been, Tori "The Chip" Tilla. 
My tag line would be, "I got a chip on my shoulder and today is NACHO day."

Thank you, Thank you. 


I'll be here all week. 
Next week too. 

The first fight of the night wasn't with the women, it was with Starry Arie and Pretty Boy Kenny! 

via GIPHY
Somehow Starry Arie won...it's like it's predetermined. 


via GIPHY
You'll be surprised to know that Krystalllluhh was on this date. 
She remained fairly under the radar during the date, but was the first to steallluh Arieeeuh at the after party. 

Arie told Krystalllllluh that it was hard to be around her in front of the other women. 
Which is essentially saying, "Please take my social security number, and start opening credit cards as Krystalluh Luyendyk," in her mind. 
When the two of them get together, they both get these evil laughs while they make out. 
They're like a couple scheming an old guy out of money. 
Is that the second week in a row I've referenced scheming an old person out of money? 
I watch a lot of Lifetime and ID Network too. 

Krystalluhhh asked Arie what he wanted her to do in group date situations? 
She said she didn't want to fall behind, and he told her to talk to him when she wanted attention, and to let him know she was there. 
Again she probably took that to mean, ug them up, cut their pony tails off while they're talking to Arie, but we'll see how that plays out the next few weeks. 
She clearly left that conversation thinking that she was the one, and that she was going to get the group date rose. 

Young Bekah also had some alone time with Arie.
She told him that she was recently in a long term relationship for about 2-3 years and that she was in love. 
Then when he broke up with her she was like, "meh, fine."
She's so mature.
They made out a bunch, he said he liked her a lot... 
Blah blah blah, he reaches for the group date rose, and while you see Krystallluh waiting to graciously accept, he gives it to Young B. 

If you look very closely you can see flames in Krystaluh's eyes in that moment. 
It was excellent. 

The next day at the mansion, we're treated to a conversation between Marikh and Krystalluh. 
Krystalluhh reveals, and hold on y'all this may shock you, she doesn't get along with girls very well. 
She had a friend in 8th grade whose boyfriend dumped her because he wanted to date Krystalluh. 
Krystaluh said she didn't date him (but did french a little because she's a good friend) but it didn't matter, her friend never forgave her.

She also told Marikh (who is also dating Arie btw) that her and Arie both know they want to be with each other and that this is the process that they needed to go through to get there. 

See Marikh's reaction below: 

When the 1:1 date card comes, Chelsea hopes her name is on the card. 
Because she's a mom...and needs to make sure she's there for the right guy...because of her momness. 

Instead it's Lauren 1, 2, 3, or 4. 
The date card said, "You had me at Merlot," and somehow with her critical thinking skills she determines they're probably going to a winery. 
She was correct. 

The date went by in a blur, mainly because she wouldn't stop talking. 
About what I don't know, but everything she said was, "amazing." 

The date was so bad that Arie actually ate his dinner. 

Even though she tried to salvage it Arie told her it wasn't working out and she was sent packin'. 

Back at the mansion Krystalluhhh told the girls that Lauren 1-4 told her that she had trouble being vulnerable. 
She encouraged all of the women to take advantage of their timeuhhh with Arieuhhh, because that's what she did on the groupuhh and 1:1uhhh. 

Caroline not being able to take it anymore walked out. 
She said that just because Krystalluhh met Arie's dog did not make her an expert. 
Preach it. 

The final group date card came, and said that things were going to get "ruff." 
Annaliese, at first excited that her name was on the card, instantly changed her tune when she found out the date probably was going to involve dogs. 

You see, Annaliese had a traumatic experience with a dog. 
Not the same day she was on the bumper cars, but a different day when she was playing with a dog who snapped and  bit her face and she almost lost her eye. 

The producers did yet another dramatic reenactment and let me tell you....it was everything. 
It's like an episode of Snapped and Law and Order rolled into the Bachelor, aka  My Heaven. 

So while everyone was psyched to see a puppy parade barreling towards them Annaliese tried not to make eye contact with any of them for fear they may have been there to finish the job. 

The women hung out with the dogs all day, gave them treats, and learned how to make them do tricks. 
Essentially a dream. 
They then had to perform those tricks in front of a crowd (people in a park) while Chris Harrison and Fred Willard (who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there) provided color commentary. 

Chelsea was up first, and of course she was fine being on stage in front of people, but it was looking at the children in the front row that made her miss her own child. 
I'm not sure if you knew, but Chelsea is a mom. 

Everyone else tried and failed to really impress. 
Annaliese literally was on poop duty, and cleaned up after all the acts. 
Bet bumper cars didn't seem so bad at that point. 

Later in the evening, Arie talked to Chelsea and told her he really admired her. 
She told him she likes finding out who she was and she adores the person she's become after being around him. 
Eight days really puts in perspective who you are as a woman. 

Arie said she was incredible, and after making out with pretty much every one that walked near his mouth, he gave Chelsea the group date rose. 

At the cocktail party, ladies were on the hunt for time with Arie. 
Bibiana was determined to make a nice set up for the two of them so that they could finally have some alone time and get to know each other. 
She (the producers) set up a couch and a telescope in the front of the driveway. 
As she went to find Arie, others started taking advantage of the new lay out. 
And I mean really take advantage. 

Young B and Arie sprawled out and chatted. 
Young B told Arie that he probably was afraid of her because she didn't need him to be complete. 
And that he probably only dated people the needed him to complete who they were as people, and that's probably why he dated so many moms. 

I'm telling ya, that Semester at Sea really changes a person. 
#woke

Arie, not wanting to be out done by Bibiana (who never made it out there with him), set up hay bails and moonshine so that he could spend some time alone with Tia. 

Tia seems great, and really down to earth...therefore Arie doesn't deserve her.

Throughout the night, Annaliese finds out that she is the only person who hasn't kissed Arie yet. 
She goes to him, and essentially asks him to kiss her. 
He says he doesn't think they're there...yet. 
Annaliese is then interrupted and she's left to think about what that "yet" meant. 

What's surprising here is that Arie says no to kissing her. 
He's find checking the esophagus of all girls, but just not Annaliese. 

There are women climbing on top of him like they're in a Whitesnake video, and he's fine with it, but ask him for a kiss, how dare you ma'am. 
Good day. 

Annaliese finds him again, and asks if he really thought there was a chance they could be together. 
He said, "mmmm nope."
After walking her out, it became clear only one person was going home at the rose ceremony. 

It turns out sweet Bibiana was not the one for Arie, and was sent home. 
She was spunky and I liked her, but I'm sure we'll like her more in Paradise. 
Wells and Bibiana at the bar seem like a ton of fun. 

Next week it looks like Krystalluhh is turned all the way up, so I'm going to need to mentally prepare. 

Ugh. 
Just thinking about her saying "Hiiiiuhhhhhhh" in her whisper voice makes me queasy. 

Overall I'm still thinking I like Becca the best. Also a big fan of Tia. 

What do you think? 
What did I miss this week? 
Let me know! 



11 comments:

  1. As soon as I saw that Annalise reenactment i smiled and said “Oh Jonsey!”
    Side note Wells is dating Sarah highland from modern family?!? And wth is up with Nick dating January Jones. Is she cray? I mean Betty Draper, I had high expectations for you!!!

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  2. LOL. The reenactments are giving me *life*. I hope there are other traumatic events in Anneliese's (or someone else's) past to keep them going.

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  3. I die over these every time! I don't watch the show but I live for your recaps!! You make my day everytime. Never stop.

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