Jan 11, 2018

It's Crystal Clear That Krystal is the Worst


This week, we start with Danny Tanner Arie overlooking the highway grateful for the extra help at home he has from Jesse and Joey  the journey he's about to take this week. 

At the Bachelor mansion, Mommy Dearest, is hopeful for a 1:1 date with Arie to give him the rundown about why she's so mysterious. 

However, she is given a rude awakening when the date card has Becca K's name on it instead. 
(Side note: my instafriend @katiezkelley pointed out that Arie signs his date cards with a star for the A. 
The man is 36 years of age. 

via abc.com
As Becca made her way outside, Arie provided her with a leather jacket that fit just right. 
She was shocked that he knew her size, but what she didn't know what that leather jacket held a secret. 
A secret of the traveling leather jacket...all who try it on, are able to wear it comfortably. 
#sisterhood

As many of you have read here in the past, putting on a man's jacket to stay warm or a new jacket in front of people is a nightmare situation for me. 

What if i burst through and the sleeves come off, and I'm wearing a leather vest like Stone Cold Steve Austin? 
Or, you know, this is always a possibility too:

I digress.
They got on his motorcycle and rode off.

Krystalllluh said that she would have told him before they got on the bike that her dad was in a bad motorcycle accident and knew people who had lost body parts. 

Could you imagine, everyone outside, seeing them off, and she's like, "Wait...no...let's talk about motorcycle safety."

Becca and Arie went on what is best described as "Pretty Woman" date. 
Rachel Zoe styled Becca in her line and while I'm sad I didn't get any answers about whether she still talks to Brad and Tay (please make up you guys), we got to see all her new looks. 

Becca tried on the dresses for their dinner date, and modeled them for Arie. 
Enter yet another nightmare scenario for yours truly. 

She was also gifted all the looks, her own pair of red bottom Louboutins (had to google how to spell that), AND a pair of diamond earrings from Neil Lane. 

I'm sure that would have been helpful BEFORE she spent all that money on fancy dresses for the show, but hey, maybe she still has the tags on a few. 

All I could think about was the shopping spree scene from PW and was waiting/hoping for her to go back to the house and say to the ladies "Big mistake, HUGE." 


The night portion of the date was just dinner and a confetti box. 
Throughout the conversation Becca said she was glad he knew a lot about cars because she needed to get her brakes fixed. 
She honestly seemed pretty cool, and I've got her as a top fav for sure. 

Then you guys....I can't.....I can't really tell you how much this next date upset me. 
It was another 1:1 ...........with.............Krystalllluh. 
What...what fresh hell is this woman? 
When she found out her name was on the date card, she said that must mean she meant a lot to him. 


He told her he was going to take him to Scottsdale, AZ aka his home where they literally went to his house. 
I'm unsure how I feel about her knowing the exact address of where he lives, as she can accurately case the place, but to each their own. 

They watched home movies and we were reintroduced to the mother who is in love with him. 
Yikes.

Once she saw how close his family was she mentioned how NOT close she was with her family. 
As I typed that sentence it came to me who she reminds me of. 
Debbie from Addams Family Values. 
Really nice at first and then she burns her family house down when didn't get Ballerina Barbie but a 

She comes back to the house and all the women want the deets of their date. 
She is really vague about what they did. 
Probably because she doesn't want them to take the good bushes out side his home. 
She's got dibs.

The group date had FIFTEEN girls on it. 
They found out they were going to be participating in a demolition derby. 

All of a sudden Annaliese starts crying, and I mean really crying. 
Why? 
She has trauma based on a bumper car incident when she was a child. 
She was stuck in the middle of cars that just kept bumping her and she was just so scared. 
You're probably thinking to yourself, "Self, isn't that just what bumper cars is?" 
And the answer is in fact, "Yes." 

And sure, all of us have some sort of traumatic story to tell from childhood. 
One time my shoe made a fart noise and everyone laughed at me and I couldn't replicate the sound again and no matter how many times I said, "It was my shoe, not me!" they still laughed and said I farted. 
You're probably thinking right now, "She probably did fart." 
Well I didn't. 
But that incident didn't stop me from wearing shoes for fear of future fart sounds. 
(That's actually a good follow up album name to Justin Timberlake's "Future Sex/Love Sounds.")
Someone tell him for me. 

Somehow Arie inspired her to get in the car, and all of a sudden she turned into Grave Digger. 

The girls get really into it and Seinne wins. 
Mommy Dearest steals him first at the after party to tell him why she's so mysterious. 
She tells him she has a three year old son. 
Arie tells her that's great and that he used to live with a woman who had two kids, but it didn't work out. 
Really, Arie? 
I don't think she thought you had an ole lady back at home waitin' on ya. 


When Chelsea rejoined the group she said that as a mother she needed as much time with him to make sure that she wasn't wasting her time. 
Marikh said that while she respected that Chelsea was a mom, but that didn't make her any more special, because everyone had a story. 

These girls do not play.

Later, Bibiana raged because she didn't have time with Arie, while others tried to calm her down. 
It didn't help, and she went home feeling her feelings. 
Meanwhile, we learn that Seinne went to Yale and is smart af and very chill. 
Arie seemed to like her a lot and she's a second fav of mine.

Arie faked out Mommy Dearest, by saying how he appreciated her revealing more about herself, but ultimately gave the group date rose to Seinne. 

During the cocktail party the women were tense and hoping to get as much time with Arie as possible. 
A quick refresh on who already had roses: 
-Becca K
-Krystallluh
-Seinne 

A few girls talk to Arie, and then Krystallluh wanting to "follow up" with Arie interrupts Lauren B who didn't have a date that week. 

The women were angry, but not lighting their torches yet. 

Then she did it again...to Bibiana. 
She came back into the house and sat on the couch with the women who were still waiting for time with Arie, and they weren't having it. 
Especially Bibiana, who had some residual rage from the previous night. 

She told Krystalluhhh that she wasn't going to talk to her until she stopped using a fake voice, and that she just ruined any chance of the women respecting her time. 

Krystalluhhh apologizedduhhh but clearly did not care. 
It's sad she doesn't know that her bra is going to be in the freezer and her hands are going to be in warm water for the remainder of her time in the mansion, but she brought it on herself. 

The rose ceremony was uneventful, until he had to say goodbye to the women. 
Most said good luck, but Jenny? Jenny just walked out.
Arie went after to her and gave her a very uncomfortable hug. 
She told him she wasn't sad to leave him but she was sad to leave her friends. 
Sweet Jenny, you'll see them in Paradise, I'm sure. 

At the end of this episode I realized that more than anything, that I could find a way that let me watch this show, but not watch Krystal, but also know everything she says without listening to her actually speak.

She is my least favorite, and I don't remember the last time I haven't like someone so much on this show. 
She is just...gosh she's the pits. 
I'm hoping she doesn't stay for long, and I have a feeling that if Bibiana has anything to do with it, she may miss a flight or two. 

What were your thoughts this week? 
Any favs so far? 
Let me know in the comments! 


9 comments:

  1. Seinne is definitely my favorite, but honestly probably too good for Arie? He just seems like an emotionless blob of a man, which probably means he's like normal, in real life, but man it makes for boring TV.

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  2. I laugh every time I read, "krystalllluhhhh" hahahaa

    Becca K is my fave but I'd like her as bachelorette. Or Seinne (which all of twitter spells as Sienne and drives me crazier than it should)

    SO GLAD YOURE BACK. never stop.

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  3. I have tears from the laughing! Every freakin' week you kill it! Probably my most favorite line was the "it didn't work out" I had the same reaction of well no shit Arie - or you would still be living with her and not on national television - duh!

    Favorites are Seinne and Becca K. NOT a fan of Krystal, Chelsea or Bekah - still odd that she is "ageless" and really is 22 --seems a bit too young, overall not jazzed about her.

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  4. Krystal is the worst! Her facenlooks like she's had too much plastic injected already and her voice is creeping me out. Maybe guys find it sexy??? Oh, I saw someone posted a side by side of Arie's mom and Krystal and they look eerily similar. So maybe that's why Arie's feeling so many feelings about her. Beccas super normal and likeable. She's definitely in my top 4. Pixie cut Becca and Arie's make out sessions we're grossing me way out. She clearly knows the way to a man's...heart...and isn't afraid to use it.

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  5. I just watched it last night, and I have never had such a passionate reaction to a contestant before--Krystal really got under my skin. I already disliked her, but when interrupted Bibiana, I about lost it. It's hard enough for a girl that already has a rose AND got a one-on-one to justify time at the cocktail party anyway, but for her to interrupt other girls that hadn't had any time with him TWICE--whut. I like Becca, but so far this season none of the girls have grown on me quickly. We'l see. Thanks so much for the recaps, hilarious as usual!

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  6. I am only watching this season so I can understand your recaps. Thank you so much for the entertainment! And please please please let Bibiana boot out Krystalllluh 🙏🏻

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  7. The bumper car scene KILLED me!! It was just so over-the-top ridiculous that she was so traumatized (but then truly went crazy on the course) and the amazingly-awful ABC editing of Law & Order fuzzy bumper car scene with creepy carnival music. I just couldn't handle it. It was amazing. This season is gonna be goooooood. And yes, Krystal is THE WORST.

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  8. Always the BEST recap. Love following these and await them eagerly each week. Thank you!

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  9. I legit get more excited about your posts than the actual episodes.

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