Jan 3, 2018

My rageful journey.....starts now.

As many of you know I've been suffering from MPKSBPCB. 
It's a rare condition that stands for Missing Peter Kraus So Baby Come Back

Honestly, what hurt the most, was being so close. And watching him walk away with having so much to say. And really never knowing...what could have been....
Alright you caught me, that's from Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most," but it remains appropriate. 

Also if you watched Emily's season and read the blog you know that I did not like Arie at all. 
He kissed like he was stealing her soul to stay wrinkle free, and I was afraid that Ricki would enter into a Rapunzel situation where he'd sing to her hair for more of a youthful glow. 

 So, the announcement of Arie being the Bachelor was essentially telling me I was allergic to potatoes. 

I wasn't going to watch this season, but you know I'm 31 now, and I'm mature, and have decided that I would watch this season with a rage in my heart that burned brighter than a fire of 1000 suns. 
If you need a visual of me watching every episode, please see below: 

So here were are. 

Honestly I forgot how uncomfortable his story was mainly because it happened 5 YEARS AGO. 
The recap of his love with Emily was a quick reminder that he was a little creepy. 
The journal he left on her door step that she didn't read? 
That was what people call...not good. 
I'm sure Ricki pops the mix cd he left on the door step in her boom box every now and then. 
Who doesn't love a little classic rock?
Panic! at the Disco and Simple Plan know no age limits. 

It's also weird how we're talking about Emily Maynard who essentially has 23 children under 4 years old. 
She moved on in 5 years but yet Arie just can't seem to let it go. 

He has since settled into real estate. 
He's ready to put a sold sign on his heart. 
He didn't say that, I did. 
But if the Bachelor folks need a writer for terrible tag lines, I'm available. 
I prefer to get paid strictly in soft taco supremes from Taco Bell. 

After Sean and Catherine Lowe (who have been married for 5 years and have two children) come and give Arie advice it's time to meet the ladies. 

While many of them were in their mid-teens when Arie was first on television, they seem to be pretty ok. 

Sure there are some who are dead behind the eyes and some who really just want free Fab, Fit, Fun boxes but overall it wasn't as painful as it usually is. 

Let's run down the big haps of the evening. 

There's the single mom, Chelsea, who calls Arie the "Batch-e-lor." She also talks to him in riddles and got v catty v fast.
She took him away first, and then interrupted and then kissed him.
Spoiler: She got the first impression rose and the women have a strong inclination to hate her already.

There was Tia the physical therapist from Weiner, Arkansas who gave Arie a little weiner...key chain. 
And out of the two questions regarding the size of Arie's junk, her's was the least amount of gross. 

Plus shes, Raven's (from Nick's season), best friend and since I loved Raven, I feel like she'll be a gem. 

A new one for the franchise was a ukulele playing taxidermy collector. 
So that's great for everyone. 
She's going for the quirky one, but when you sing a song to a taxidermy seal on a tree branch, you've crossed the line into creepy weird. 

Bekah is an ageless nanny. 
Word on the street is that she is very young, so they're making it mysterious. 
I'm sure her birth certificate is on the internet, and she drank on the show so she's at least 21. 
Either way, she pulled up in an old mustang to show off her new drivers license and told Arie she may be young but she could appreciate the classics. 

Arie being the classic. 
Get it? 
Because she's so young and he's an old car...
She kinda seems like one of those people who goes abroad for two weeks in college and then when they come back they act like they're qualified UN Ambassadors. 

She asked Arie what 3 things excited him the most and he said: 
1. Excitement (insert eye roll)
2. Adrenaline (concerned that's the same as excitement but whatever)
3. Pizza 
It looks like she sticks around awhile from the preview...so that's something.

Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom, and I would like to make my face look like her face because she is so so pretty. 
Also Indian food is dope. 

Annaliese showed up as, "The Kissing Bandit" a play on what folks called Arie during his season. 
She wore a mask and during her one  on one time with Arie she revealed her true self which was a cute non-sweaty face. 
I would have to keep the mask on all night because had I revealed myself after drinking for several hours in a heavy dress I would have looked like this 
Props to pretty people, y'all. 

There was a girl who asked Arie to smell her pits, and called it a pit stop. 
.....bless her. 

A spray tanner asked him again if he had small junk. 
He again said no, so in case anyone was still wondering. 

While Bekah was still feeling pretty solid about her entrance in a mustang, Ricky Bobby's wife pulled up like....

So, she's probably gonna stick around for awhile. 

The last girl I want to chat about is Krystal with a K. 
She is an online fitness instructor (youtuber) who talkssssuhhh likeuh thisuhhhh in a raspy baby voice. 
When Arie asked her to tell him more about herself she said, "Well I'mmmuh a Librauhh."

She acts like woodland creatures help her get ready in the morning.
 Howeverrrrrr in the preview they show her go from her smiley sweet self to an evil dead behind the eyes kind of smile and it's like in Lifetime movies, when the nice step mom turns evil and tries to convince the old dad to leave the kids out of the will before she poisons him. 

I mean sure that's an oddly specific, maybe morbid, example but that's the vibe she gives. 
She scares me...and I'm here for it. 
Did anyone else see that switch or was it just me?! 

Overall, I'm thinking this will be at the very least a watchable season.
It kind of feels like I'm watching Danny Tanner date but all I need is some good drama folks.
It doesn't take much. 

Who are your favs so far? 
Anyone a clear final roser? 
Let me know in the comments!