Jan 31, 2018

The One Where I Also Recap My Life...

Much like the month of January, this season has felt long. 
Has there been 4 episodes or are we moving into sweeps week? 
I mean we've probably been through 3 solid moon cycles.

This week the girls continued their trek for love to the Paris of Florida, Ft. Lauderdale.
Arie said that Ft. Lauderdale was the perfect place to fall in love, what with the boats, and the food, and the water.
Everyone knows those are the big three for a good love story.

The more Arie talks the more he reminds me of an older Joey Donner from "Ten Things I Hate About You."
I'm just waiting for him to ask one of the women which real estate head shot they like best,


I used to think he gave off a Danny Tanner vibe, but I mean Arie makes Danny Tanner look like a member of Guns n Roses.
He is such a snooooooze.

But, we're going to make it through this season.
I wanna see what this grade A dummy does.

The first date was with Chelsea, the mom, on a yacht.
The boat could be seen from the hotel, where the women got a telescope and watched from 30 stories up.
I'm not sure if it's always been this way, but this season it seems like there's a lot more super sleuthing during the dates.

And who gave them that telescope?
The producers either had to rent one, or bring one because I don't know a lot of hotels who have one on sight.
Or maybe I'm just staying at the wrong Holiday Inn.

Arie and Chelsea jet ski.


I'm not trying to have a bumper car flashback on you guys, but jet skiing is a hard no for your girl.

This one time I was in Key West and they took us jetskiing on the open ocean where like, sharks are actively seeking human flesh.
It was rainy and cold, and the I lost a contact and couldn't see anything, so I started crying so then I REALLY couldn't see, and the only thing that got me through the whole experience was me repeating to myself,
"If DJ Khaled can jet ski, I can jet ski."


I should use that for my audition tape if Peter's the Bachelor.

At dinner Chelsea tells Arie that she dated an older man who made her who he wanted her to be, and about six months after having their son, he left her for another woman who he now has a family with while she had to start over.

When she was talking about her struggle about being a single mom, Arie seemed a little too into it.

So clearly he ended up giving her the rose because Arie wants nothing more than a blonde lady with a kid.

The group date was with about 13 women at a bowling alley.
The name of game was extra time with Arie, so the women were in it to literally win it.
(Trust that I saw Arie lick the bowling ball, but going into detail about it will cause me to black out from the heebie jeebies.)

A bowling alley date is honestly my dream.
Let's take another walk down Jones Memory Lane.
I used to be on a bowling league when I was little so not to brag but I am adequate at bowling.
I had my own ball, shoes, and a bag.
The real reason why a bowling date is a dream date?
The food.
I. Love. Bowling. Alley. Food.
I wouldn't have even tried to participate in the date until I received the adequate amount of curly fries and card board pizza that's only good because you're eating it in a bowling alley.


The women are excited to bowl, and are focused on winning.
Krystalluhh is on the date and she is convinced that it is time for Arie to impress HER on the group date because she's made herself known.


Before the games begin, the girls get in what can only be described as a prayer circle where Krystalluh leads them in a blessing of the date.
Everyone is like "Yeah sure, Amen."

After the Blue Team (aka Krystalluhh's team) wins, Arie decides that it might not be fair to send the other team home.
Krystalluh is pissed.


She tells the women in the van on the way home that Arie didn't consult the winning team, that he told them what to do, and that he was a liar.
She said that she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who included her on decisions and told the women that her stuff was packed and that she wasn't going on the date.

The women are like, "K bye," and go down to meet Arie.
Arie's like "Yay the gangs all here."
And the women are like, "Krystalluh's not."
They tell him about everything she said and that she refused to come downstairs.
Needing an explanation, Arie goes to the room to talk to Krystalluh about why she isn't with the rest of the group.

Here's how the conversation went:

Arie: Why aren't you on the date?
Krystaluh: You said one thinguh and then changed your minduh.
Arie: It's just bowling. I wanted to extend time for everyone.
Krystaluh: I don't knowuh anything about youh.
Arie: You know the most about me.
Krystaluh: I knowuh.
Arie: Are you teaching me a lesson? You should stay up here tonight and know I'm not happy about it. I'll see you in a few days.


She has literally been to his home, so I'm unsure what she meant when she said she knows nothing about him.
Besides having a copy of his finger prints to get into lock boxes at the bank, she's probably gotten the most out of anyone.

Arie went back to the women who did a myriad of things to keep him entertained.
Meanwhile, Krystaluh got dressed and came down to the date.
Some of the women asked a lot of questions like, "Why are you here?"
"Are you a liar now because you changed your mind about coming down here?"
"You're fake."
Ok that wasn't really a question but it kinda went that way.
After being sufficiently shamed, she came to the decision that she was going to go back up to the room without seeing Arie.

At the end of the night the group date rose went to Lauren B.

Arie's last date was with Tia.
They went on a motor boat through swamp land and went to a house that was essentially surrounded by a moat of crocodiles.
Which is oddly how his home in Arizona is set up.
He's getting older, he can't really afford to have women leave him anymore.

The date was very sweet and Tia is 1000% too good for him.

At the time of the cocktail party the women are out for Krystaluh's demise.
Krystalluh on the other hand lets them know she wasn't ignoring them, she was in her room investing and discovering herself.

The women tell her she's gross and she is appalled they do not understand her.


To be honest she does seem like a jerk who would throw glitter bombs on people.
Hard to get rid of...just like her.

Somehow she gets alone time with Arie and tells her that she was triggered by her time in the bowling alley.
You see, it took her back to her childhood, because her mom used to work at a bowling alley and she spent a lot of her time there.
When Arie changed his mind, it reminded her of all the men her mom dated that would make promises and not keep them, so her mom would have to keep working at the bowling alley and she was just really messed about that.

She doesn't need to worry about pulling any muscles because that was a stretch.


Arie seems to take it all in, or not.
His blank stare is hard to read.
She says that they just had their first fight, to which he replies, "And it could be our last one."
LOL, no it won't Arie, the producers have them in their pool, she aint going nowhere.

The rose ceremony comes and I'm going to be honest, the remaining women are all blending together, and I can't remember who has already left and who's managed to stick around.
Like is Jacqueline not Bekah with long hair?
Who's a Lauren?
Where's Tia?
Did Sienne realize that she was way too good for this and leave?

At the end it came down to the very last rose, and Krystalluh waiting for her name to be called.
And it was....


Next week they go to ACTUAL Paris, so the women probably lock Krystalluh to that Lock Bridge. 
Is anyone standing out to you yet? 
Am I missing someone!? 
Let me know in the comments! 


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