Hello!
First, let me explain what happened to my blogging last season...
I hate Arie, and legitimately could not for one more second watch his dumb sad husky face.
That's being mean to the husky dog establishment...I'll just stick to his dumb sad face.
Then I did what I always do when I check out of a season, I read the spoilers and found out that after FIVE YEARS OF WAITING TO BE THE BACHELOR HE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE.
Then after tricking her into a couple's weekend he trapped her into a break up scene.
Then claimed that was "edited" but oh well. Too bad so sad.
Because I'm an evil person I got a lot of joy...and I mean A LOT, when Arie and Lauren announced they'd be getting married in January 2019, zero percent of human kind cared. Sure, maybe their parents...but even then...it was a stretch.
I was doubting whether or not I was going to watch the Bachelorette.
But when Ashley Iaconetti and Jared Haibon announced they were a couple in a 45 min youtube show, I took a deep dive into their love story and I'm v v obsessed.
They post an ad for Flat Tummy Tea and I'm like...
So I thought if those two crazy kids can make it, so can Becca!
And here were are.
The journey has begun.
(LOLOLOL...journey.)
I was hoping that the first episode wouldn't be about Arie.
He's had his time ya know?
Let's make it about Becca, but the first thing they did was zoom in on her crying and his loser face.
The montage of her life since then was cute though, and showed how excited she was for everything.
They even showed the mayor, who banned Arie for life from the state of Minnesota.
Becca met up with the 3 engaged Bachelorette ladies, Kaitlyn, Jojo, and Rachel.
Rachel (who I'm still not speaking to...) started the conversation by saying "F- Arie."
The people rest their case.
They gave Becca their advice, saged the house, and got drunk on mimosas.
After that it was time to meet the guys.
They started with sweet Clay who plays NFL football. He was kind of boring for the Bachelorette purposes. Not flashy, but seemed kind. Also presh. Didn't hate him.
Garrett did a Chris Farley impersonation which is very appropriate in 2018.
The amount of times I've heard people say, "where can I get a Chris Farley impersonator on the phone?" and no one has had a response, and here we are finally.
The wait is over.
Garrett pulled up in a mini-van and said that he was ready to have a family and settle down.
He impressed Becca so much that she gave him the first impression rose.
For the past couple of seasons, the first impression/first kiss of the first night is the final rose.
So does that mean that he's going to be the ONE?
I liked him at first, but apparently he has some pretty dicey social media, because OF COURSE HE DOES.
I'm hoping Becca didn't fall in to a douche trap again.
Next up was Joey Donner the model.
Modeling is his art, and it's hard work.
But he wants you to know that he needs love, just like any other regular uggo.
He wants to watch a chick flick.
He's a human with feelings. Not just a piece of meat.
Truly terrible, and unfortunately it looks like he sticks around for awhile.
Joe the Grocer, came into our lives, like a rogue shopping cart.
And much like a rogue shopping cart, dented our hearts.
Reasons why he's awesome:
-He knows produce
- He's got the best Chicago accent
- He owns his own grocery store, so hello free Zebra Cakes.
- He's adorable
I legitimately thought he was going to stick around for awhile and then I was going to fall deeply in love with him, and you know just fill a void that Peter Kraus left.
But, like old produce, he was thrown out before we could even get to know him.
My new bestie Ashley Iaconetti said on her recap that she believes he'll go to Paradise.
Think happy thoughts that he gets someone to cover the store so Wells Adams can make him drinks.
Jean Blanc a cologne connoisseur was up next. He matches his colognes to his outfits.
He made Becca a candle with a signature scent. I'm hoping he smells good because this could be a long travel season for the guys if he doesn't.
Becca seemed to dig him and he got a rose.
Next is my little boo, Colton.
He is a former NFL player, with a non-profit for children with cystic fibrosis.
He brought Becca a confetti cannon, and as someone who consistently asks her boss for a t-shirt gun in our 1:1s, I felt an immediate connection.
Oh did I mention that he has a senior dog?
BECAUSE HE DOES
It seems like he sticks around for awhile and I'm 100% here.for.it.
There was an electrician who didn't make an "I feel a lot of electricity between us" joke, and I commend him for that.
A man named Kamil, who's occupation is Social Media Participant also showed up.
So he knows how to do a light google, and favorite a tweet or two.
He told Becca that she needed to meet him 60/40 in a relationship.
Ok sweetie.
Sadly he wasn't a top influencer for Becca, and lost a follower.
The guy who invented the Venmo app was there, so hopefully she locks that down forever.
There was a former Harlem Globe Trotter who dunked on Becca and I feel like that's what we're missing on this show.
Dunk contests.
He did stick around so fingers crossed he jumps over a KIA or something.
There's a guy named Blake, who is maybe my front runner.
He told Becca he's been in a wrong relationship and loved that person so much so he can only imagine how much he could love the right person.
It was very sweet, but I'm automatically suspicious that he's got a secret family somewhere waiting for him to come home.
A strange situation where a guy had been contacted by another guys ex-girlfriend played out.
It was very strange, and Becca was confused and ended up keeping the tattle tale.
Typically snitches do get stitches but for Becca's cause, it's appropriate.
A guy that she met at home showed up. She pulled him aside and said that she was confused as to why he would show up now when he never made a move before.
He told her he had a transformational year had changed.
She said that was great, but she didn't think it was the right time.
He left and yelled at the camera that he was the most romantic f---'in guy ever.
His calm demeanor and kind words, really give you that fairy tale feeling.
Definitely not the vibe that he's a villain in a Lifetime movie.
Overall it looks like this season will be juicy.
I'm hoping that no one is terrible.
Becca deserves a goodie.
Maybe Peter will make a surprise appearance.
I know. It's been two seasons I need to let Peter go.
I wish I could quit him but you know I can't.
The heart wants what it wants.
Who were your favs?
Anything I clearly missed?
Are you as over "Let's Do The Damn Thing?" as I am?
Let me know in the comments!
Every time someone says “let’s do the damn thing” I want to punch a puppy. I can’t handle it.
ReplyDelete#teamcolton4lyfe
So VERY over let's do the damn thing!
ReplyDeleteAlso, Joe - I really loved him, I felt like there were a few she kept around that she could have let go to keep Joe! Maybe we could pull another Juan Pablo and Joe could be the next Bachelor? only kidding!
The model guy, too much - I am a bit surprised she didn't see through his shit.
Kamil - after the horrible 60-40 thing I would have just asked him to go 100% back into the limo!
She’s a total Trader for getting rid of Joe! Zing! That guy needs his own show. Love him! Spot on as always, my dear. I tip my hat!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you're blogging again! Your recap is hilarious, as always. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd so sad that Joe didn't stay! I'm starting to question her judgment, but we'll see how the season goes... :)
~Christine :)
I love Sharleen but her recaps got nothing on yours. I’d just like to say I didn’t think the guy in the chicken suit got enough airtime. I thought he was cute.
ReplyDelete