Jan 9, 2019

New Year, New Bachelor, Same Rage about that Bachelor


New Year, New Bachelor.
Same heart full of rage that it's Colton.
I was feeling some type of way about the whole franchise as 2019 approached.
Shawn B and Kaitlyn broke up and I was like, "What's the meaning of life?"
Peter apparently went on a date with Nikki Bella from the WWE and even though it was bologna, it made me mad, because I've been to Wrestlemania.
Which is the same as being a very fit, pretty WWE Superstar.
It could have been me.

I was over it.

However, Jared and Ashley's full on love story reminded me that I couldn't quit this franchise.

So I decided to give it a shot and see what ole Not Peter...I mean Colton was up to this season.


For this premiere, it was a three hour event.
There were watch parties across America with surprise Bachelor cast appearances that filled up a good solid hour.
I couldn't bring myself to watch any of them because of a very real condition I have called, "second hand embarrassment."

What happened for the rest of the episode was about 30 women saying they were glad it was Colton, but also they were so nervous because he was a virgin who can't drive.
(J/K about the driving part, but I can't just can't pass up a reference to "Clueless." )

They talked about his virginity like it was a tail or tiny gill that he had on his neck, that they were brave enough to look past.
In all honesty, that's the kind of content I'm here for, but ABC has stopped taking my calls, so....?

Colton was introduced the proper "Bachelor" way, by showering and working out shirtless.
He said he was the chunky, awkward, fat kid growing up and until he found football, he never fit in.
This little revelation warmed my cold heart a LITTLE bit towards him...but only a little.

Chris sat down with him to talk about what he was looking for out of the experience.
Colton said that he read all of the things that people said about him not being deserving (sorry bro) and how people made fun of him for being a virgin.
He said that people think that because he's a virgin he's not romantic.
Chris quickly interjected and said, "Or that you're not a man."
I literally gasped.
Chris Harrison is not here to play, y'all.
via GIPHY


The first woman to be introduced was Miss. Alabama, Hannah.
Her fun fact was that she had only kissed four boys but wasn't a virgin.
Weird flex, but ok.

Heather introduced herself as "never been kissed."
Kinda wished her name was Josie to really complete the whole late 90's rom com nod, but again, Chris Harrison no longer appreciates my "feedback."
via GIPHY

Heather also met Colton before at an event and has a framed picture of him in her home.
She can't wait to date him and for them to fall in love with each other.
I can't be sure but that might be the plot of "Swimfan."


I can't stop making references to 90's and 2000's movies.
My apologies.

A quick side note:
Have you ever noticed the angles the women sit on random rocks and benches during their intro videos?
They also look like they're Ariel singing about being where the people are. 

I tried to mimic those poses on my couch and confirmed that there will never be a time I look flattering on a rock, nor will I ever be able to replicate this pose for my 2019 Holiday card. 
via

Thank you for being with me during this trying time. 

Demi was introduced as a southern girl who was raised right by her grandparents.
During her intro, she  got a call from a correctional facility, where she introduced her mom.
She was being incarcerated for embezzlement and was "getting out soon."
Hopefully we get updates about her throughout the season because if there's one thing I love more than a dating show, it's a show about jail. 
Which is why I also watch "Love After Lock Up." 

Demi said that she was concerned that Colton may not know what kind of cupcake he likes, but she was the funfetti kind. 
Not only did she tease us with an extremely interested back story she also ruined cupcakes for us. 
THANKS, DEMI. 

When she met Colton for the first time she told him that she hadn't dated a virgin since she was twelve. 

The references continued.
A girl took his "V" card. 
Another one popped a cherry balloon, which Colton thought was an apple. 
Then...

Then there was....

A sloth. 


She heard that Colton liked to take things sloooooow.
Let me tell you. 
That girl committed to her role.
At one point she was up in a tree. 
Gotta say, I loved it. 

One woman showed up with a fake Australian accent.
Colton was way into it, and she didn't seem like she was thinking about letting it go any time soon. 
Can't wait for that to unfold. 

Catherine, a DJ, arrived with her ten year old dog Lucy. 

She said that the dog was going to live Colton now, and tbh Lucy was like "Bye Girl." 


As the night went on and everyone was inside Catherine was hell bent on spending as much time with Lucy's new dad as possible. 
She said she wasn't used to fighting for someone's attention.
Probably because dudes always bring her whatever she wants to her DJ booth while she's dropping sick beats. 
So it's understandable why this environment is challenging for her. 
She interrupts not once,
not twice,
but three times, 
before one of the women, Onyeka, decided to cut in and say that she was being terrible. 
Onyeka told her that she looked desperate. 
Catherine said she appreciated the feedback and Onyeka thought everything was cool.
But then 2 minutes later, Catherine interrupted someone for the FOURTH time. 


Based on the previews, she's not a fan favorite with the house.
Can't wait. 

There was a speech pathologist who was very sweet and another Hannah who ended up with the first impression rose. 
So far, those are my favs. 

During the rose ceremony many blonde women were upset about their chances.
One of them was dressed as Cinderella, and when she didn't get a rose, they zoomed in on a pumpkin.
Award winning production. 

Other women were upset because they didn't get chosen or because they filmed the first episode until noon pm of the next day. 

That girl isn't rolling her eyes. She's looking at the whole sun, as it has risen.


I'm all for finding my soulmate, but if it takes more than 2-3 hours, count me out. 
Less pizza to share. 


This season looks a little bananas. 
Several of the women seem a little more extra than usual so I'm hoping it stays interesting for awhile.
It looks like Colton even makes a run for it.

What did I miss? 
Who are you rooting for? 


6 comments:

  1. I am committed to watching until he jumps that fence. I need answers.

    I love butterfly girl.

    I thinks Colton will be okay. I like him more than when he was on Becca’s season. The virgin discussion can go away until at least fantasy suites.

    In skipping viewing parties - did you miss all the bachelor babies? It was cute. The rest was a cringe.

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  2. Please never stop your recaps. I don't even watch the Bachelor and your words make me out loud laugh every time.

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  3. While there were countless moments that were cringe-worthy, hearing Chris call Lansing, MI the "heartland of America" and also located in the "middle of the country" were up there! We live just east of Lansing and let me tell you it is NOT in the middle of the country or hell even in the middle of the state....

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  4. OMG, I too suffer from "2nd hand embarrassment" and totally had to turn off the first hour. It was too much!

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  5. Ugh these girls seem awful! I'm glad Peter isn't being subjected to their awfulness. Colton doesn't seem that into being The Bachelor to me. Part of me is curious to see how he handles the role but most of me doesn't feel like I can stand watching. I am always here for your recaps though. God bless the work you do. Your gifs are alwaya and forever spot on.

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  6. love your recap. Clueless is the best movie of all time.

    anyway, i fast forwarded everything except the actual time in the mansion and i think i finished the entire 3 hour episode in under an hour.

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